If you are older than three years of age, you've probably already figured out that you cannot entirely control what happens to you.  And from the time you were three, if you're like most people, you've probably been trying to figure out how to finally achieve that control.

Most of us assume that if we have enough money, the right partner to lean on, the right level of physical fitness, the right attitude, the right anything, undesirable change won't touch us.  That's just not how it works.  For the most part, life simply won't let us get into a deep rut.  Life keeps pushing us to grow and change.

If you have not read the first Coaching Brief on Letting Go the Old, I suggest that you do so, because it will give you a context for this one.  Change has happened.  You have managed to let go the old part of your life that is over and done with.  Now what?

Now comes the most challenging and the most interesting part.  It is the most challenging because most people think that if they lose something, they need to go immediately and replace it with something bigger or better.  "I lost my job.  I need to find another one that satisfies me more."  "I got a divorce.  I need to find someone who can be a better partner and lover."  The rush is on to replace something or someone immediately.  For active, fast-moving people, there is usually never the slightest pause in between one thing and the next.

However, new possibilities lie in the in-between, and that's what can make this whole process so interesting - even exciting. Too often, we act like starving people who finish one great meal and then hurry to eat another.  We don't give ourselves time to digest the first meal.  Our taste sensors are dulled when we begin the second meal, and we really don't enjoy it as much as we would have if we had given ourselves the space of in-between.

The second part of the change process is about digesting what has happened before beginning something new.  It's about "standing in the question" to see just what your inner knowing is trying to tell you. It's going on an internal walk-about to discover something new about yourself. For action-oriented people, not doing something may be more difficult than you imagine.  However, true listening is a very active skill.

The in-between time of change is like the in-between time of the seasons.  You're not quite one thing or the other.  You're not quite winter and not yet spring.  You have left the old and familiar, but have yet to discover the next and more comfortable. 

Now is the time to begin living your life more consciously.  Everyone gets to choose, but so many live by default. 

You are like soft wax when you're born, ready to be imprinted with the structures and social norms of family, friends, society, school, church, neighborhood, and media.   This is a good thing.  During this vulnerable period of newness, the imprinting process creates an important structure for safety and belonging. 

You make subconscious choices in order to fit in, and available brain cells create neuronal pathways to support those choices while closing down other cellular possibilities.  You become what you choose, and the tribe recognizes you as one of their own.

This natural process of environmental conditioning was supposed to be lived without question until adolescence when hormonal tsunamis made you look at what you had inherited.  Adolescence is a time when it is critical to examine everything - to ask fundamental questions.  Are the beliefs, attitudes, prejudices, behavioral guidelines, relationships, customs, etc. that you've inherited and that determine your actions truly yours? Or are they simply conditions of original imprinting that you've not yet consciously chosen?

The operative word here is choice.  An adolescent may try on different styles, colors, and cuts of clothing that are far different from those worn in childhood just to see how they fit.  They dabble with clothing to see what mode offers the truest expression of who they are and are becoming.  Or they dye their hair, shave their heads, pierce their bodies, go Goth, and get tattoos, all in search of the right expression.  They make choices.  What choices did you make?

Adolescence is the time when, like your clothing, attitudes, beliefs, behaviors, etc. that were learned in childhood must also be examined for "fit" and expression.  What still works and what should be discarded?  These are important choices.  What choices did you make?

By the end of adolescence, enough exploration should have been done that you, as the emerging adult, are now capable of living your life based upon conscious, personal choices rather than on early conditioning. 

Notice the word should.  Too frequently, the adolescent engages in pseudo-exploration and simply follows the adolescent herd, another form of imprinting.  Also, until the choice is made to allow the adult self to emerge, adolescence is extended, sometimes throughout an entire lifetime.

However, even within the seemingly most mundane life, you can witness electricity flow when conscious choices are made.  Others you meet may be living outwardly routine lives, but the minute they open their mouths, you know that something different is going on.  They are so charged with passion and joy, you can almost feel the air humming around them. 

These people are really great to engage in conversation.  They're vitally interested in their own lives, so they can be vitally interested in yours.  Their values and beliefs shine through well-reasoned opinions, and because they're clear about what they have chosen, they can honor your choices and opinions as well.  They don't need to be surrounded by sameness to feel comfortable.  They really enjoy diverse perspectives and find them engaging.  They can even find them fun.

This aliveness has nothing to do with personality types.  The most outgoing person can be dull, and the most quiet person can sparkle and shine.  Notice those who are living their consciously-chosen adult lives.  They do stand out.  Then figure out which group you belong to.  How will you live in your adult self?

To attract the new as an adult, you need to figure our exactly where your desire for the new comes from.  You want a job with a lot of money.  Why?  Are you trying to take care of yourself and your family?  Are you trying to pay off student loans?  Are you trying to impress your friends?  Are you trying to control life and be more secure?  Are you trying to get validation from your father?  Are you trying to live the good life that you see others living in T.V.-land? 

The questions are innumerable and are as specific as each individual.  Part of letting go the old from the first part of change is being sure that you have let go of old attitudes and beliefs that you inherited and maybe never chose.  Let them go.  Only then, can you engage in the in-between.

So, now you're free and clear.  What's next?  Spend a little bit of time every day daydreaming.   Imagine yourself doing various next-step things, and see what feelings come up for you.  They hold important clues.  Or, consider the dreams you had when you were younger.  Why did you set them aside?  Is it time to revisit them?


Then create a list of how you want your life to look in a year.  Be sure the list includes how you want to be feeling, the people you would like to be with, the kind of work that would make you happy, where you want to be living, etc.  Now, tear that list up, and make a new list, even more outrageous than the first.  Think big in terms of what you want and how you want to feel.  The list should feel a few sizes too big for you.

Now take your second list, and tear it up.  Create your third list that is even more outrageous than the second-at least four sizes too big.  See how that makes you feel.  Do you get excited?  Happy?  Challenged? Motivated? Curious?  What do you feel?

Typically, we all dream too small.  There should be a big difference between the emotional content from your first list and the emotions the third list generated. 

Read your third list everyday.   What you are doing is creating an energetic resonance field around you that will attract to you what will be good for you.  It doesn't matter if the end result is somewhat different from your list because it will probably carry the same energetic charge if you have done this exercise honestly.

The Determining What's Next step is all about allowing your greater knowing to show you what might be possible for you.  Get out in nature.  Take walks and listen.  Or, go to the gym and work out without watching T.V.  Listen to what comes up when you are doing repetitive things.  You can even work a jigsaw puzzle and allow your subconscious mind to "put the pieces together" for you literally and metaphorically.

Whether this period lasts two days, two months, or two years for you, remember that it is all about listening and dreaming.  When you are on a quest to find what's next, clues will naturally come to you.  Be alert for them.  The whole process can actually go beyond interesting and become great fun.

Just try it!

Parts of this Coaching Brief have been excerpted from the book, Messages from a Friend:  Creating your Life, by Anitah Draimon.

Questions for Consideration

1. How do you try to take control of your life?  Where did this coping mechanism come from?  Was it learned or acquired?  From whom? Is it working for you?
2. What are your five most important values, guidelines, and beliefs that you use to make decisions and direct your life?  Where did you learn them?
3. In general, have you consciously chosen your life? Have you passed through the adolescent phase of life into true adulthood?  What areas of your life still need your review and choice?
4. Think of two or three of the important grown-up people in your life.  Where are they on the emotional scale:  are they still at an adolescent stage of development, or are they living as adults?  How can you tell?
5. What were your dreams when you were younger?  Why did you let them go?  Should any be brought forward now?
6. What activities help you "zone out" so that you can listen inwardly?  What are the external channels that sometimes bring you clues about next steps?  T.V.?  Radio?  Song lyrics?  Bumper stickers?  Accidentally overhearing parts of a  conversation that applies to you?  What can you do to listen to yourself better? 
7. If you would like the help and support of someone who is skilled in managing the change process, please call me.

For even more information on handling the second step of the change process, see the Change and Crisis Coaching Briefs at www.craftingtransitions.com.

You are now ready to move to the third step of the change process.  Go to the next Coaching Brief: Attracting the New.