Change is the 800-pound gorilla that you can try to ignore, but, eventually, it will come and sit on your chest, look you in the eye, and thump your head loudly to get your attention.

Consider that no matter the circumstances, you are not at the mercy of change.  Recognizing how it works will give you the tools to engage it gracefully if you use them consciously.

The change process has three steps:  letting go the old, attracting the new, and determining next steps.  Each is the subject of the first three CDs of this series.  The first step, letting go the old, is the focus of this Coaching Brief.

Emotional range is the ability to appropriately engage the emotions on the contracting side of the emotional scale (fear, anger, frustration, etc.) as well as the expanding side (happiness, love, well-being, trust, etc.).  Some people are afraid to feel their contracting emotions.  Somehow, they have been deceived into believing that only the expanding emotions are the "worthy" responses to situations.  They completely deny the appropriate and often instinctive contracting emotions available to them.  Those out of touch with their entire emotional range tend to be out of touch with life, with themselves, and with those around them.

Think of a heart monitor.  Without the peaks and valleys, the patient flatlines.  The patient dies. 
The same is true of emotional range.  Without the peaks and valleys, the highs and lows, the expanding and contracting, there is no life.  You have emotionally flatlined.

Don't think, however, that you must always be a victim to your highs and lows.  You don't want to control your emotions, you want to manage them.

Life is not about control.  Life is about living each moment in a way that aligns with your greatest truth, so that you can spontaneously generate new options that bring you even greater satisfaction.  Life is about learning to use all the skills and gifts available to you so that you can become a virtuoso in expressing each of them.

Your emotions offer you tools to sort things out.  They help you understand what you want and don't want.  In order to successfully move through the change process, be sure that you have not cut off half your emotional range.  Understanding that, you can now move forward in the change process.

Once you know what you are feeling and aren't judging yourself harshly for your spontaneous contracting emotions, it's now important to understand that living too long on the contracting side for too long can become painful and even unhealthy. Contacting emotions are stressful and trigger chemical releases into the bloodstream similar to experiences that precipitate "flight or fight" reactions.  Living too long with these chemicals (like adrenaline and cortisol) can break your body down over time.  To manage your emotions, you must learn to re-frame the way your view your experiences.

For example, let's say you unexpectedly lose your job.  Immediately, adrenaline rushes into your system to help you deal with the "danger" you feel to your well-being.  Your first feelings might be fear or anger.  You could allow your thoughts to feed your fears ("I don't have the money to survive without a job."  "In this economy, I'll never find something quickly.") or anger ("After all I did for my boss to make him look good, he turns around and lets me go.  What a jerk." "It's a lousy company.  I hope it folds next year."). 

You have instinctive, knee-jerk reactions to sudden change that are typically on the contracting side of the emotional range.  What you feel will depend a great deal on how you are "wired."  Some people go into fear, some into anger, some into shame or hurt.  Others feel regret or mistrust.  It's all normal.  It's all human.  Let these emotions rip. Express these feelings for twenty minutes at a time, but be careful.  Don't stay too long in that state.  You will know that you are slipping into self-indulgence and are getting yourself stuck if you spend more than twenty minutes of initial strong venting. 

Express your feelings.  Find ways to let them go.  Hard exercise is a good thing to do at this time.  So is screaming into a pillow or walloping your bed.  If you don't let these initial emotions out, you might end up screaming at your partner or kicking your dog.  After you have expressed your initial contracting emotions, only then can you talk to someone about your experience to begin the process of gaining new perspective.  This is the time you also need to begin monitoring your thoughts. 

Your thoughts feed your feelings.  You can make a choice to change your thoughts if you want to change your feelings.  This is one way to manage your change process.  Another way is learning how to re-frame a situation.

Re-framing is a methodology of moving your perception of a situation from contracting to neutral or even expanding.  You can do this by simply asking the age-old question, "What's in it for me?"  In order to move to the expanding side of the emotional range, however, your response to this question must be framed in terms of emotional content and must be honest!

Let's take the same example of unexpectedly losing your job.  If you are feeling fear, you have framed your current situation in terms of helplessness.  You allow yourself to be a victim of the situation.  "I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'll never find another job paying my former salary."  "I'm going to end up living with my parents again or with a friend." "What's going to happen to my kids?"  And on and on and on. 

Initially, it's okay to feel the fear, but you won't get anywhere by continuing to feed the fear with your contracting thoughts.  You can re-frame the situation by feeding yourself new thoughts.  These new thoughts then generate a sense of personal power and hope. 

Again taking the same example, instead of feeding yourself fear thoughts, feed yourself these.  "I now have the opportunity to see what's out there that can make me even happier.  This can be exciting."  "My job search doesn't have to be a long process.  I trust myself enough to know that this can be easy, and I will end up in a far better place."  "The situation will help me develop even more trust."  "I'd like to be able to give my children the things they want, but it might be good for them to see how to handle things when everything doesn't go their way.  I can teach them the differences between wanting and needing because of this situation, and I will be proud of myself and them when we get through this."  "I know that I will be just fine."  Again, make it honest.  Don't lie to yourself.

To complete re-framing, your "real job" during a transition is to first feel your contracting emotions.  Honor them, and then let them go.  Then you can either remain neutral or reach for expanding emotions after you have gone through the contracting period.  Re-framing is a process to help you manage your internal space.  From that space, you can better engage what is going on outside you.

This is not a Pollyanna-ish version of the "glad game."  Emotional empowerment takes a lot of work and begins with being fiercely honest with yourself.

Letting Go the Old, therefore, the first step in the change process, means letting go the old emotional constructs that keep you stuck in your old situation.  It's about honoring your own process, feeling your contracting feelings, and thinking different re-framed thoughts to create the changed feelings that will bring in your new future.

If you are making spaghetti sauce, you don't want to start cooking with bruised and mushy tomatoes.  You don't want to add tomato paste that expired three years ago.  You don't want to use ground meat that is brown and rotting.  To make good sauce, you need to start with good ingredients.  The same is true about making a new life.

Let go the contracting emotions and the thoughts that perpetuate them.   Choose your re-framed thoughts and feelings.  Create your new life with as much excitement and trust as you can.  When you fall back into contracting emotions, forgive yourself, and then move on.

Let go of your old habitual patterns of both thinking and acting that keep you stuck.  Let go, even temporarily, of those people who bring you down and feed your contracting emotions.  Let go of your pre-conceived ideas of how you think that life works and allow the miracles. 

Miracles can be defined as the manifestation of anything that shows up far better than what you anticipated.  Allow the miracles!

Finally, let go of your old self-image, of who you think yourself to be.  In order to allow the brighter, better future, you need to see yourself as the brighter, better you.  Essentially, you need to let go of all the old clutter in your life to make room for the new that wants to come in.

Your subconscious mind holds all the "programs" that you have designed over the years about the way you think life works and what you deserve to have.  The subconscious mind is accessed through ritual, so make up little rituals that let the subconscious part of you know that you are ready to let go of the old in order to bring in greater happiness and success.

Ritually, let your old life go.  Take an object representing your old life and bury it asking the earth to safely take care of all your old emotions. 

Or, you can take an object representing the old and burn it while asking the fire to release any hold the old has on you. (This is a safe way to release anger as well.)  Put a representative object in water and ask the water to wash away anything of the old that still holds you in place. 

When you shower or bathe, ask the water to help rinse away old debris that is no longer necessary or appropriate.  Stand outside on a windy day, and ask the wind to blow away any stuck emotions you still carry.

You get the idea.  There are hundreds of things that you can do to give your subconscious the message that you're ready to be done with the old. 

Again, this is a critically-important first step in having the life you want.  You cannot bring something new into your life if your space is still filled with the old.  Take the time to let go of anything on the emotional scale that no longer serves you.  After doing this, you can be assured that the next step of the change process,
Attracting the New, will be easier for you.


Questions for Consideration

1. When you go through significant change, what are the automatic, knee-jerk contracting emotions that usually come up for you? What thoughts do you typically "feed" these contracting emotions?
2. On which side of the emotional scale do you find yourself most frequently?  If on the contracting side, how can you move yourself more towards the expanding side?  If on the expanding, how skilled are you at managing your contracting emotions?   Do you live on the expanding side because of personal choice of because it appears more "politically correct" to be there?
3. Think of one situation you are experiencing now where you have some contracting emotions.  How can you re-frame the situation?
4. Rather than dealing with emotional content, some people choose to self-medicate with addictive things like drugs, alcohol, shopping, sex, food, uber-cleaning.  What do you reach for when you don't want to "do the work" of regaining emotional stability?  What can you do about your own addictions?  Your own avoidances?
5. What rituals can you create that would help you release contracting emotions?
6. What underlying emotions haven't you dealt with yet?  What are you going to do about them?

If you would like the help and support of someone who is skilled in managing the change process, please call me.

For even more information on handling the first step of the change process, see the Change and Crisis Coaching Briefs at www.craftingtransitions.com.

You are now ready to move to the second step of the change process.  Go to the next Coaching Brief: Determining Next Steps.